**READER WARNING**

*The following is not written to evoke a sense of sympathy towards the author but rather as an exploration of the authors views and emotions*

I don't know what to do anymore. Is it my role in a relationship to inherently care more. I always get sucked into the feelings of bliss only to get spit back out into reality. I feel that I always look for perfection in everyone. I adjust my standards to fit that person. "It is not that strongest species that survve, yet the one that most readily adapts to change" In that perfection I find an element of intimidation. As in am I good enough for this person.

I immediately invest a good chunk of emotion to a relationship at the slightest sign of any care what so ever. Do I need to come more cynical of people. I get kind of sick of judging everyone who crosses my path. I supose one must deal with ones feelings as one does with poker chips. Spend wisely and you shall be rewarded. But on the other side of the coin one can see that "he who gambles, stands to gain the most". It is our job in this world to gage whether an idividual is worth that gamble.

I would sincerely like to hope that as a fairly well educated individual, I would be able to make desicions that are condusive to my well being emotionally as well ass physically. But time and time again I am constantly crushed by aspirations I once had. Should I lower my expectations in life ? I don't think that is the answer, but if I raise them that will only lead to further disapointment.

Perhaps it is an issue of maturity. I have simply not progressed to a point where I am able to make desicions that are legitimate in today's society. However I belive that with the motivation one can gain this knowledge in an attempt to further themselves as a human being.

Is it meant to be, that I forever be toyed with by the opposite sex ? Test driven much like a Porsche, just to see if the ride is smooth enough for them. I believe that I have allowed myself to be taken advantage of. Maybe it is because I have a tendency to take people so seriously. I have not seen the whole picture and strictly have viewed other people feelings, not my own.

I derive a vast majority of pleasure from knowing that I make people happy. Perhaps I need to alter my role in a relationship and gain a role model from which to spring into a new direction in my life. I will no longer be wrenched around by others. I will find a solution to my problems.

Next driver please . . .